A Bittersweet Thanksgiving Day...

Three years ago today my Dad passed away. Today is Thanksgiving…a day I'm supposed to be thankful for all I have. That's a little hard to do when you're missing people that aren't in your life anymore…like my Dad, & my sister who passed away unexpectedly last year. As I've thought about Thanksgiving the last few days & what I am grateful for & how grateful I am for the time I got to spend with my Dad my thoughts keep going back to the last Thanksgiving we had with him. And also the Thanksgiving the following year.
The last Thanksgiving we had with him, November 2010, we tried to pretend like things were "normal". Like our Dad wasn't stuck at his house with a few family members helping him as he was dying from cancer. But of course in the back of our minds we all knew what would take place the next few days. We all knew the void we felt that year, would be felt ten times stronger the following year. Knowing that following our dinner we couldn't all go back to our Dad's house & surround him in his last days on this earth.
The year after he passed away, November 2011, I made a "Thankful Tree" in honor of our Dad. I put his picture next to it. So that maybe it would help feel that void & kind of like he was there. Each family member filled out a paper listing reasons were were Thankful for our Dad & what our greatest memory was with him. If I knew where those papers were at this 1:00am hour I would list what some family members wrote. But it looks like those will have to be posted another time. What I do know is that I never filled out one of those papers myself. I'm not sure why but I think I felt like it made his loss a little too final at that moment in my life. & I wasn't ready for that then.
So, on this bittersweet Thanksgiving day where I am surrounded by so many things to be thankful for…let me write about someone who is no longer with me physically…but who would never leave me alone spiritually. I will write what I should have written on that paper 2 years ago.
I am thankful for my Dad because he was the greatest example of what a father, husband and friend should be. He was a faithful member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints. He lived what he believed. He honored his priesthood and lived every day faithful to who he knew he should be. He loved everyone. I know he loved me.
My most favorite memories with my Dad are the many times fishing together when I was younger. He let me play with the worms and poke the fishes eyeballs. (Not something I enjoy doing anymore! ;) Another favorite memory is going to the beach almost every Monday for family night when we lived in California. I remember how he gave advice in the most loving and kindest way but only when he knew I needed it or was ready to hear it. I remember coming home from my very first high school dance & seeing my Dad & brothers spying out the window. I remember the first time I got home waaaay too late one night & my Dad was sitting on the front porch waiting for me. He never said a word but I knew by the look on his face that he was not happy with me. I remember helping him peel potatoes for Sunday dinner. I remember a snow ball fight we had once in our front yard. I remember decorating the Christmas tree together. I remember he was at every dance performance or play or choir concert even though I'm sure he didn't always want to be there.
Do you want to know the greatest of all time memories I will always have of my Dad…dancing with him at my wedding just three years before he died. I remember him telling me how pretty I looked. And then he looked at me & said, "You know your mom is here too." I remember tears filling my eyes and all I could do was smile & nod my head in agreement that I knew she was. That I knew she always had been. That I knew she always would be. He taught me in his own way that this life is not the end. That life is eternal. That our loved ones are always with us. And although I don't feel him near me the same way I do my mom, or my sister, I know in his quiet way, just like he did when he was alive, that he is with me still….always has been & always will be.
On this bittersweet Thanksgiving Day I am so thankful for my Dad. I am thankful for the 29 years I got to spend with him. I am thankful for all that he taught me. I am thankful for the many, many things and people I have been blessed with in my life. And as hard as it is to feel the void of our loved ones not being with us physically, what a great feeling it is to know that they are there spiritually. Thank you Dad for teaching me that. Miss you Poppy!
Love, your sweet pea, "Jeej"