I miss you. I have had this sentence running through my head for months now. I have debated whether to post to this blog or not because I don't want people to feel bad for me. Sometimes I would just rather keep my thoughts and feelings to myself & let the world think I am fine. But it's not going away. So, I think it's time to get it out. I feel like as you were dying I had to go through "the stages of grief" so quickly. & I was ok with that. I had accepted your death and I knew I was going to be alright. I feel blessed that I was able to experience your death and be right next to you through it all because it made death "easier" for me...unlike Mom's death that was so sudden and unexpected.
But sometime shortly after Father's Day last year I started to feel that "anger stage" again. Only this time I wasn't mad at the situation I was having to deal with...I was mad at you. A small part of me was mad at you for leaving...but the bigger part of me was mad that I can't feel your presence in my life like I did those first 6 months after you passed away. I kept telling myself that it was okay...that there were others who needed you more than I do. & that is probably true. But on the 1 year anniversary of your death, November 28, 2011 and through out the holidays especially....I thought I would feel something. But instead...nothing. & it hurts. I know you weren't a man of many words, you weren't someone to be the first to give a hug when it was needed, you had your quiet way of expressing your feelings and showing your love. But really...do you have to be that way still??
I hate admitting that I feel this way...I hate even more that I even feel this way. I very rarely ever felt anger toward you when you were alive...so I hate that I am feeling this way now & I can't even talk to you about it. I hate that I can't pick up the phone and call your house and hear your voice. I hate that I will be having my second baby in August & I won't hear your voice on the other side of the curtain say, "Way to go Jeej!" when that baby comes out crying. I hate that I wasn't even 30 years old yet but both of my parents were dead. I hate that I will lose the third parent I have had in my life, Cathy, to either Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma or her relocating back to Las Vegas. I could keep going...but I will stop now. Apparently, there are a lot of things I hate right now. :)
I know...I will get over this "stage". I know we are given our trials for a reason. I know they make us stronger people. I know we learn from them. I know I will feel your presence someday...hopefully sooner rather than later. I know that I will see you again someday. That the way you taught us to live is true. I know that I am feeling this way because I love you. & it's hard to lose someone you love.
I am not quite sure how to end this post. A part of me is a little embarrassed to share my feelings so openly. I guess I am somewhat like my Dad in that way. But I hope this post, or this blog touches someone in someway that will help them. So I will share it with you. Life isn't perfect. Death isn't perfect. I'm not perfect. & the way we feel sometimes isn't perfect. & that's ok.
Now, in the words of my Dad...& in the words of Chevy Chase, "Where's the Tylenol?!" :)
